This week I quit my job and finished things with the guy I was causally dating. Come to think of it a few things have changed in my life since my last blog post. Let’s start with my job…
I suppose I got to the point where I’d had enough and wanted more. The actual job, and by that I mean my daily tasks, was really enjoyable and I will miss that. However, the circumstances surrounding the job were souring and had been for a while. They were trying to make me do too much expecting the customer facing demands as a receptionist as well as all the tasks of a person doing admin, but to the full capacity/standards as if I was the only person doing either job. I didn’t mind doing both roles but when I made a couple of errors (which as a human this does happen) or I didn’t necessarily do things straight away the other staff members would get angry with me. The customers were also extremely rude to me and accusing me of being rude when certain circumstances genuinely were beyond my control. I got to the point where I would come home and cry and complain, and on the Monday and Tuesday just gone I had some absolutely horrific customers. Normally I can shrug things off but I had other customers acknowledge that other people had been vile towards me which made me think ‘hey something is noticeably wrong’. Again I’m only human and there’s only so much criticism that you can take without it becoming too much.
I’ve also started taking the pill for the first time. At first I thought it was great and I didn’t understand why people complain about feeling mood swings or weight gain or all the other issues that come surrounding it. I had such a high sex drive and felt emotionally fine it was fantastic. On reflection maybe it was a crazy high foreshadowing a drastic low? My mood dipped again to the point where I felt unmotivated and have become especially sensitive and cry at the tiniest thing.
Pre taking the pill I was intrigued to see if being on Citalopram and taking Levest would cancel out the negative emotional effects of the pill. At the moment I don’t think they really interact, but I think Citalopram works better by itself without the added hormones of the pill. This also reminds me that they tell you when you start taking it to wait 7 days before having unprotected sex. Something that I didn’t do which meant I took the morning after pill… probably not the wisest of decisions to add even more abnormal hormones into my body when it doesn’t cope that well with changes anyway. I will also add that since taking the pill my anxiety has gone crazy. So I was feeling heightened emotion about my job I hated and this was actually affecting my sleep. I was also stressing about the boy I was casually seeing…So without further ado
On to the guy story: it was kinda a bit of a whirlwind? We met on tinder; I loved our text conversations, we had a few phone calls and I genuinely was so excited to meet him because he was so charming and I knew we would get on. I went to see him and I didn’t fancy him (to my guilt/disappointment) , but there was a mad sexual chemistry that I’d not felt with anyone else before. One thing led to another and boom I wasn’t a virgin anymore. However, after the second meeting things stopped being exciting and we reached a lul…. I was feeling guilty because I didn’t fancy him, yet I really enjoyed his company and found him hilarious to be around.
Then we met for a third time, no fancy dinner just a take out pizza (no hate for getting a take out) but it made me realise that we aren’t compatible on like a couple who can chill together level. I also picked up on comments he was making about things that I did and said such as ‘you’re so annoying you keep trying to kiss me just leave me alone’ or ‘you ask too many questions you’re exactly like my mum’ and ‘you’re so irratic in your movements’. It kind of hurt when he made these comments. I mean he probably didn’t mean them in a hurtful way, but as someone who is a bit anxious and an over thinker they kept playing over and over in my mind, and yes they actually did hurt me. Every time I left his place I would feel a sort of emptiness inside due to a realisation that the whole thing was a bit forced. He never kissed me during sex and the last couple of times we had sex I actually didn’t want to I sort of just did it to go along with the whole try to enjoy yourself with him scenario. My advice would be don’t do this… it just prolongs the emptiness. In a way I kind of feel a bit annoyed with myself for losing my virginity to him because I always wanted to be sure that the person I lost it to really liked me and all that bullshit and I just gave it up.
The above bit was what I wrote last night and I’ve left it there because that writing was how I felt in that exact moment. I actually got so angry writing that last section and I got teary and had to stop writing. I don’t want to remove it though because it is a reminder of my exact feelings in that moment. However, as I continuously think about the situation I recognise that I don’t feel that way anymore. I don’t feel any bitterness towards me or him about losing my virginity. I made that choice a month ago and I didn’t regret it then so why would I regret it now? Life is too short. So yeah no regrets
I knew whatever this causal thing was was over after I saw him on Wednesday. I made the decision to whatsapp him on Friday and he took it so well. Which I knew he would do because I knew he wasn’t that in to me either. He agreed with my reasoning that there was no spark, but to my delight said he would love to remain friends, go for food and so on. I am thankful for that because the whole time I was feeling guilty that I didn’t fancy him but I loved spending time with him. I suppose it’s a pretty civilised and good ending and it was a good first experience at a semi relationship thing.
I learnt that I need passion and fire or I get bored. I learnt that I need to be shown affection ie kisses and hugs or being told I look good. I learnt that I like it when boys make an effort with me to show their feelings. I learnt that I need to be less afraid to show my own feelings earlier on. I definitely wasn’t in this for the long term but I don’t think he was either. Ultimately I found it being stressful being with someone who I didn’t feel a real genuine connection with on an intimate level. However I know we will remain friends.
This week I was a bit impulsive to say the least, but now I can re focus my energy on to me and making me happy again. That does not make me selfish. Life is too short to continue with things contributing to your misery.