All capitals title to emphasis this isn’t a joke. The context is: I had to write a 12,000 word dissertation and I submitted 7,500 words. Aka I failed, and I fucked up so badly and it is definitely my fault.
This is literally the most pathetic blog post ever because I could have done it I was just lazy and it didn’t happen for me. I’m past sad about it, I’m pissed at myself it was such a self sabotage thing I did and I don’t know what happened? Well that’s a lie I know what happened.
So anyway I’m going to vent about it on this blog post because I’ve been ruminating about it for the past 3 days now which isn’t helpful. I think I need to write it all on here and get it out of my head. Hopefully I can then move on. Especially because I need to do amazingly in my last 2 essays and exam to get a 2.1. I am praying for a miracle.
So basically, I’m gonna try to dissect what happened with my dissertation. Background info: I do history and politics and always dreaded the thought of doing a dissertation. 12,000-13,000 words is A LOT. I also definitely don’t have any topic that I’m madly interested in. We had a few talks from older years where they were so keen about the most specific thing ever and I just sat there thinking ‘I actually hate my degree lol’ and ‘how can you even be interested in the tiniest thing so much?’.
Anyway, fast forward to third year. Read some info about an archive that was interesting thought yeah, bam I’ll do that. Turned about to be so complicated. The worst part is I actually did a fair amount of research I just couldn’t put it onto paper. Secondly, I didn’t even have a plan until a month before it was due. Thirdly, my dissertation supervisor scared me and I was too scared to go to him for help. That sounds like an excuse, but I’m bad at asking for help anyway, and then I went to him hysterically crying a few times and he just thought I was ridiculous. Oh he also went m.i.a 2 weeks before Easter so that was crazy stressful as well.
Basically, I think I never really had a dissertation. People kept asking me what I was doing for my dissertation and I never actually had an answer…
Yeah the whole dissertation thing was a train wreck and disaster waiting to happen. I regret that I had to do one I didn’t have the confidence that I could do one and I don’t think that I had the right support in place to encourage me to do it. I’m actually not shifting the blame on to anyone else. I fucked up my dissertation, no one else. I 100% admit that.
But still, I should have done things differently. I avoided my dissertation. I love avoiding things. But this is gonna have major consequences. I love living in fairy tale land, and then reality hits, and I don’t give myself enough time. It’s part of self sabotage because I can add this to my list of things that I fucked up on, and therefore to my list of why I’m a shit excuse of a human.
This is semi off topic. But uni as a whole has been really hard for me. I haven’t thrived, and I didn’t thrive at school, and I genuinely can’t see how it will get better when I keep being assessed on everything I hate doing. I don’t even have anything I love either. In one meeting with my dissertation supervisor he kept asking me questions about what I want to do etc and where I see myself, and I just replied ‘I don’t know’. He told me that was part of the problem. Maybe it is? But at the same time do I really need to have everything figured out?
Ok so I think I’m done with this mini rant for now. I can’t be bothered to check it properly I just needed to release all my negative thoughts so that I can move on with my last 2 weeks of uni.
Maybe the whole of my uni experience was self sabotage, I didn’t wanna go so now my brain decided to (and I let it) press the self destruct button. Literally, the only thing I’ve come out of uni with is about 3 more friends and depression.
Apologies for the depressing post. I am in a cynical mood.